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The uncertain future.
January 25, 2014

Tomorrow is certainly going to come but sometimes I am not certain I will be there.  The promise of tomorrow is always just hours away and there is certainty in its arrival. With such certainty and hope I find myself lost at times.

 My tumor is active again, specifically the right one in my lung: a stubborn one.  For now, it is not enough for me to get bumped off my current clinical trial its growth is still within the 20% limit.  Besides the other nodule, the one on the left, exhibited minimal decrease in size, so for now I am considered “stable.”  Whew.

Stable is a temporary state.  It is not permanent.  It is more like a goal (like finding stability) that is very hard to achieve.  When threatened, there is uncertainty and anxiety: not fun.

My state of stability was recently shaken when my clinical trial doctors broached the subject of other clinical trials that is open for me, and those that are coming down the pipeline.  I can tell right away the muted concern they have no matter how delicately things are explained to me.  I know.  So the net is, it is a matter of “when” I will move not “if” I will move.

Hope is a very precious commodity when stability is challenge.  I have been in this situation before.  The easy part is the move, it is what changes or what you give up as part of the change that is harder to accept.

When to move?  Hey, I am a gerbil spinning on a wheel stuck.  Where do you think I am going?  I am stuck and unbalanced.

Cheers.

P.S.  Wednesday, January 28, is next treatment.

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