Posts Tagged ‘fun’

2015: Resolutions and absolutions.
January 16, 2015
So far 2015 is starting out good.  There is always great expectations for new beginnings.  It normally begins with resolutions and absolutions for me.

For starters, I absolve or renounce the habit of counting how chemo treatments I have received (one to start 2015 last January 7th…sorry!)  I think this is a force of habit from my work.  I deal with data (lots of data), risks, likelihood, and impact.  That decisions should be based on data to minimize bias.  But sometimes you just have to throw away these things because it restricts your ability to…live.

I just had my CT scan today.  I normally get anxious for the results of my scan: good or bad.  There was a time I would hold my breathe when I see the caller id is from the office of my oncologist or radiologist.  Now, I get it by email that reads:
     “Scan looks stable.  One nodule increased and one decreased.  Dr. S said he would keep you on.”
That summarizes my world.  I am like a gerbil running on a wheel going nowhere.  I just keep on running until I am told to get off and move to another wheel (trial).  So why bother counting how many treatments I have received: it does not matter.  What matter is you are running on the wheel.  In fact, I would continue on any wheel they give me: big or small.

My wife notices my frustration of being stuck.
“Your nodules are stable and you are here with us.”  she admonishes.
Yes.  I am surrounded by people who love me.  There should not be any “if’s” and “but’s” about this.  That is why I am running on a wheel-to-nowhere.  Is there anything beyond love?  Thus, for 2015 I resolve to live beyond the numbers that define my cancer.  I resolve to fully embrace my new normal lifestyle and fully enjoy the experience of running round-and-round “the wheel.”I would still continue to keep fit, practice mindfulness, pray, help others, set goals, run, and have fun.  Does it matter how many chemo treatments I have?  Does it matter how many miles I have run?  There will be more treatments as much there are paths to run.  Just go and enjoy.


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It is happening again.

December 1, 2011

 “Hon, it’s happening again.” I said to her.

“What’s happening again?” she said with a concerned look.

“I am shedding again.” Then I laughed.  It is like autumn’s arrival.

I knew this thing would happen sooner but not just after the second round. I should be upset, concerned, or even vainly worried, but I welcome the moment. Ironically, it felt normal that’s why I had to laugh. I now belong again to a small circle of people; those living through cancer.

Recently, my friend Noreen, who gamely contributed to my blog, completed her treatment. She looks forward to growing her hair and the return of her taste buds. I am happy for her and confident that she can dance her way through survivorship. She leaves the circle, I take her place.

I know the road ahead will be full of new surprise even if I have experienced them before. I am just on my second cycle but some how this time around I think I am having…fun. I think it comes from my building curiosity on how to make most of the moment. I have visions of myself doubled over in the toilet, pale from vomit, with a smirk. Or getting bets from the family on how many times I have to go to the bathroom due to diarrhea.

Call those brain fart moments due to chemo toxins fogging my brain, but I am lucid enough to know this. I have gone through the cycle of miseries, pity parties, and tears as I deal with my demons. Have used coping techniques of meditation, running, yoga, tai chi, etc. to get me through them. So what’s left? Having fun.

I know I have strong support from you. Moreover, I know some are even willing to carry some of the load for me.  I do not wish this on anybody. But think about this, if you see me having fun are you going to stop me? Don’t worry, this round I am recovering well and will be ready again for next week. I am getting tremendous support and care that I am able to bounce back quickly.

They lengthen timing of my portable pump to take-off some edge in the toxicity of chemo, and I get vitamin infusion after completing the cycle. For my comfort, my bed now doubles as a hospital bed (minus call buttons).  Sweet. My nurse-wife took out a curtain rod with hooks at the end, then tied it to our headboard to hang the vitamin bag. Viola. It looks funny.  (Note: requires professional supervision, ok.)

Do-it-yourself hospital bed


PS: Vicki (aka Skye), thank you for early holiday gift you sent.  I met Vicki, that’s virtually, through my blog and she lives in Isle of Skye, Scotland.

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