I took a turn
February 27, 2013
Inspite of the many post that I have written it took me a while to write this one. For one, I would not know where to start and I am not sure if I want to rekindle the awful feeling, a month ago, about my mortality.
It took an email, previously sent to me, from a friend-colleague (Carmela) for me have the courage to write about the episode. As they would say it in Downton Abbey, “I took a turn.” Subtle and ambivalent, of course, for the English to mean ‘I have a headache or one is really sick.’
In my case, my oncologist had told me a month (January 24) ago that my prognosis is not good. I am starting to build fluids in my stomach, also known as ascetis, which is a sign that my cancer is progressing. The news stunned me. I have received many bad news about my cancer in the past five years, like relapses or malignant tumors, but none shocked me more than the news of an immediate threat to my life. I thought about my family and the unfinished things I will leave behind. I cried and went through the spiral of questions about the cause and options. With my wife holding my hands, we absorb the sobering news. Since then, we have moved on and decided I continue my treatment for a chance to extend my life. That’s all I have to say about this.
I don’t want to revisit that feeling again. What I wanted to revisit is the email I received from Carmela when I told her of my set back. She relates her conversation with her friend about me.
…she [Carmela's friend] helps me cope with things and over the past few months has given me advice that I find to be really helpful. I spoke about you. She was very saddened of course. Who wouldn’t be. I told her how I had reacted terribly on Thursday [January 24] but that by the weekend I found myself more at peace with my daily struggles.
Why is that “she asked”…. “I don’t know…I just did”. She then said, that is Bo’s gift to you. He has helped you find perspective in things. I then told her how I would have no idea where to start, what to do etc…. and she said “but he does”. She explained how there is a certain peace that comes with knowing that you are taking care of things how you want them taken care of. Of being able to say good bye. Of being able to tie up loose ends.
“Don’t get me wrong Carmela” she said “there is nothing easy about this but your friend may have the peace of knowing that he has taken care of his family, his affairs, his friends and that he has lived his life much more heightened to it’s beauty. Not everyone can say that. You experienced this briefly this weekend when you found peace and perhaps did not worry about the laundry or some sie your daughter’s messy room”.
I sat back and thought of all that you have accomplished over the past few years. You have trained and run several marathons. You have continued to travel and visit strange new worlds. Your relationship with your wife has flourished. You have been an incredible father, grandfather, and most of all friend. People can live to be 100 and never experience that. Or die suddenly and leave a ton of loose ends. Perhaps an argument with my mom or daughter.
I am not ready to say good-bye nor will I ever be. I am ready though to thank you for the gift you have given me. The gift of your friendship, and the gift of knowing that there is more to life than a clean room or no laundry. That sometimes it’s ok to find underwear on the floor and not flip out. The next time I find an empty water bottle I will think of how refreshing it is to drink water…not “what the heck is this empty bottle doing here….” and I will think of you.”
Cheers.
P.S. To my family in Manila, please do not mention my prognosis to my mother: she does not know yet and is busy making preparation to come to the US.
Bo, this saddens my heart, but it is not unexpected, not hoped for, and just WAY to early. You have chosen to continue treatment to do what you can with what you are given. It’s a choice you make for yourself, with your loving and awesome wife. I am so glad you have Irish, your loving and large family and your friends. You are blessed in many ways and appreciate them all.
I have a friend who has struggled with bc [breast cancer] for 14 years. You both have done everything in your power to tackle whatever has come your way, fearlessly. At this point, given her options, she just went into hospice and decided to focus on time with friends and family. It was a rough choice, but she was lucky like you to make decisions with a loving an incredibly supportive spouse.
Bo, you know there are no easy answers, no good options, and you must choose what you feel is right for you. I applaud your courage, tenacity, strength, endurance, love, patience, and hope. I continue to be inspired by you and feel blessed to have your loving friendship. I believe in you. Much love, many prayers, and continued strength to you, your family and safe travels for your mother.
Be at peace with all. Namaste, my friend.
Hi, Lisa.
I was looking for you when I visited Tracy’s yoga class to tell you personally. Maybe we will have that chance. Nonetheless, I want to tell you I am glad that we met and shared peaceful moments during yoga class.
Being a breast cancer survivor yourself you understood the nature and deadliness of this disease. I wish things were different but I will not stop fighting until I know I cannot anymore.
Namaste, my dear friend.
Bo, I have no doubt you will keep fighting, it’s in your nature, part of what makes you a runner. You have incredible endurance, stamina, and determination through pain and hardship. I see “carpe diem” in your post and that is something we all should practice everyday—who knows what the future holds for anyone. I hope to see you in Tracy’s yoga class and to give you a loving hug. You have a great ‘team’ of supporters behind you cheering and helping you in your continued fight. Much love and strength. You have amazing will and courage. Namaste to you as well, dear friend.
Bo, I am so sorry for your news and pray that you find the strength for this fight. I realise there is little I can say other than to reach out from afar and wish you the very best. Your are constantly in my thoughts…
Hi Alaistair. Good to hear from you. Thank you for the support and prayers you have given. Speaking of reaching out, I too sometimes think of what it is like to run the hills of Scotland and smell its distinctive air. I live my dream through your adventures. Cheers.
I flew thru Chicago today on my way home from vacation. Hawaii was a “bucket list” item for me. You know…I am working thru my list having decided that life was too short. Indeed it is my friend when someone as loving and caring as you can be facing such awful news. Next week I come back to Chicago with my daughter and neighbor. Just 2 short days to visit a beautiful city. I hope to see you in my brief stay. Perhaps it was meant to be that I come there. If we do not get to see each other, I know I will feel your presence…as I did today during my short layover. Somehow, I knew you were there…close by as you will continue to be long after you are gone or I am gone. You have made enough of a statement in this world to never be forgotten. Your stamp is permanent.